Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
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I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Oops
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
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