Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
You Might Also Like
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
#damn
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one