Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I found my charger!!”

– a love story

Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.

Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?

I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.

My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”

*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*

*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*

when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops

ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?

I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂

Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.

“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”

Friend: I can’t sleep.

Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?

Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?

I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver

My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!

At Toys R Us:

TRU: Yessir?

Me: I want a light saber.

TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?

Me: 40ish

The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.

Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.

Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.

Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.

Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different

in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”

When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”

My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.