Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.

I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women

[on the sixth question in two minutes]

4: what does “not” mean

me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.

4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.

There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.

WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?

ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon

*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing

Please, I have a family

[mysterious British man rescues me]

Me: How?

Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.

I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.

Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.

My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.

New tinder profile pic

He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.

A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene

Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.

snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes

“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”

But we’re in love!

“It is forbidden!”

*whale elopes with submarine*

My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.

I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.

Just kidding.

I moved the damn towel.

Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report

Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family

Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.

Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?

for all you non-native English speakers out there

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

and

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing

Friend: What’s it like having kids?

Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*

Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes

😅😅😅

Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse

Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits

Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.

Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would

Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen

You’ll be OK