Atheists are Popeless romantics.
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Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
Need WebMD
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning