Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
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If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
📽️movie date🎞️
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.