Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
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[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s