@AndyAsAdjective
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
@Contwixt
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
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@AndyAsAdjective
@Phook75
No one is full of more false hope than a parent who tries to shower
@SteveKoehler22
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
@OstracizedOstri
*passing a kidney stone*
Kidney stone: “Jeez I’m going the speed limit.”
@Tups13
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.
@Hadzilla
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
@mrfeelswildride
teenagers are like ‘here to live well not to live long :)’ yet shriek in terror when I appear before them in alleyways wielding a scythe
@krisv_723
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
@TheBoydP
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
@LeahGoRound
Every time I get out of a small car it looks like a giraffe being born.