Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.

God, or no god, those are good Brownies.

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KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?

BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…


No one is full of more false hope than a parent who tries to shower


No matter how spicy your sex life is …

If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …

would bay to leaf him.


*passing a kidney stone*

Kidney stone: “Jeez I’m going the speed limit.”


I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.


No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though


teenagers are like ‘here to live well not to live long :)’ yet shriek in terror when I appear before them in alleyways wielding a scythe


*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.


Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently


Every time I get out of a small car it looks like a giraffe being born.