@Contwixt

Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.

God, or no god, those are good Brownies.

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@AndyAsAdjective

KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?

BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…

@Phook75

No one is full of more false hope than a parent who tries to shower

@SteveKoehler22

No matter how spicy your sex life is …

If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …

would bay to leaf him.

@OstracizedOstri

*passing a kidney stone*

Kidney stone: “Jeez I’m going the speed limit.”

@Tups13

I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.

@Hadzilla

No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though

@mrfeelswildride

teenagers are like ‘here to live well not to live long :)’ yet shriek in terror when I appear before them in alleyways wielding a scythe

@krisv_723

*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.

@TheBoydP

Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently

@LeahGoRound

Every time I get out of a small car it looks like a giraffe being born.