I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
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white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
I don’t know what “Leg Day” is but spending it at the gym is no way to celebrate.
*watches the ring*
The ring : You will die in 7 days
*slides her a 20*
Me : Make it 3
*calls you by wrong name in bed, blames autocorrect*
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid