@Contwixt

Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.

God, or no god, those are good Brownies.

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@thholyghost

white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone

@michael_aas

“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.

@sliver_of

*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”

*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*

@Midgetspar

I don’t know what “Leg Day” is but spending it at the gym is no way to celebrate.

@s8n

*watches the ring*
The ring : You will die in 7 days
*slides her a 20*
Me : Make it 3

@forrrestfire

Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision

@unmehlievable

Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.