Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
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Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs