Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Check your privilege
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
Wait a minute
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
