Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there

My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”

Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?

Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it

I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.

Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?

Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together

Therapist: No

No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨

I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.

All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend

My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.

[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]

IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER

11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?

In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.

guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”

If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.

My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..

*House Hunters

“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”

I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker

(Creating the platypus)

God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*

Angel: What?

God: You know *hip thrusts*

Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays

I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.

Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.

Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.

[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t

Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life

*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*

Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.

CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.

You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.

“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”