Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂

I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?

You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.

– Broadway producers

Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.

*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*

*checks mirror*

Is it working yet?

@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.

*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER

Laziness is a dish best served delivered.

My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.

I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee

Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?

ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not

Posting this on behalf of a friend

Spell check is for lasers.

Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.

I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”

Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?

Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?

nobody

literally nobody

my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself

ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.

I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.

*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…

Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.

I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.

The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault

We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.

*walks into hospital carrying baby*

“What’s your return policy on this thing?”

My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?

“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied