Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
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Home is where your toilet is.
*eating catfish*
This looks nothing like it did on the menu
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
This is so me 😂😂
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
my mind
You just read my mind
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Bloody internet 😳
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.