Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented

If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.

“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.

First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.

Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’

Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

Wife: “No.”

*takes pants off*

*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.

NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?

BUZZ: Nope

*5 minutes silence*

BUZZ: OK, yep.

Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.

Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.

I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?

I would never have a swear jar as

1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and

2. Imply that I have spare change.

My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.

I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.

I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”

Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.

What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight

A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.

5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?

Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good

knights of the ikea table

I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”

Green Day, the band was Green Day.

[at work]

Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?

*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*

“No…why do you ask?”

If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.

[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok

[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.