Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
You Might Also Like
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
get you a girl who
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP