Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
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*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean