Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
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Every. Damn. Time.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Some guy in the middle of my Nosferatu screening took out his phone and googled ‘Nosferatu’
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
The way I describe twitter to people is there is a lot of politics but you can just follow an account that is entirely from a moustache’s perspective instead if you want to.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*