Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.

Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

fedex guy: here’s ur package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow

We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.

Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists

The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.

“Smell ya later”

-me, to my asparagus

In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!

There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.

Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me

Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.

Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”

True story 🤣

my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades

This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.

I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.

I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.

Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.

I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.

Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.

I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.

I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.

I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”

DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!

Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.

6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.

Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops

I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.

ME: Why are my eyes itchy?

WebMD: Eye bees

Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.

An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.