Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
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Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I just need money.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing