Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
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My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.