Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
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Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.