ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
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“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
こいつ天才
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Is anyone gonna tell them?
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”