Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.

Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please

her: what are you watching?

me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy

her:

me:

her: are you describing sh—

me: yeah it’s shrek again

I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.

I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count

WIFE: I’m leaving you

CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*

ME: Is it because of-

WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl

It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.

i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website

Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?

Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?

My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.

i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there

If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.

Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.

what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?

you’d think eating your young was more filling.

I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”

🤣🤣🤣

My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.

My goal weight is:

2020 never happened.

I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.

One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.

Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres

Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy

Just to piss off my kids

My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house

You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil

I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.

HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected

Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.

Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.

Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired

Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you