ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
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Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
“We ride at dawn”
Me headed to the grocery on Thanksgiving eve
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Oh sure so it’s okay for Jesus to raise people back from the dead, but when I, Victor Frankenstein,
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
