ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
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I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
guys im starting to worry that 2025 is just five 2020s stacked in a trench coat
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”