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“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.