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For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.