ATMs should have breathalyzers
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HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Am I having a stroke?
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.