ATMs should have breathalyzers
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[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Human are so complicated
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
This rocks
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.