ATMs should have breathalyzers
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Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle