AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
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[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Bloody internet 😳
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.