AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
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“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday