AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
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me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves