AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
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Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
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me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”