AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
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This is a genius move
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
🤣dope
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
mandolin: finally a violin for men
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.