Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.

I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”

Him: Are you always this socially awkward?

Me: Only when I’m in my human form.

Him: So always.

I know a bad idea when I see one.

lmaaaaaooooooooo

At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.

I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka

PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news

CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor

878 dead bodies lay there.

Liam Nesson “Are we done?”

Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”

I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.

You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?

*slowly scrapes mine off*

*watching John Wick*

Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me

Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?

No way you’re all at church.

When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.

“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”

i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”

Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.

Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.

I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.

Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join

Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling

Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang

“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.

HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.

ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.

[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]

ME: I’d like to phone a friend.

HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.

Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?

5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.

Me: You’ve never had coffee.

5-year-old: Exactly.

dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn

Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?

My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.

I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.