AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
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LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
definitely did not do anything wrong
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.