Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.

Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.

my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡

Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.

[9 Moscow Mules later]

Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH

You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.

The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours

Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape

If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.

Only a mother’s love …

I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️

Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.

just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”

“Alex is visiting later tonight.”

Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?

[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.

Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip

My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.

Husband: What are they?

Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions

What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?

Amateur

*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the

I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.

robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe

giraffe: this is bullshit Steve

ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye

MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird

Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.

It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.

Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”

Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back

I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before

People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.

Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?

That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…

Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority

What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?

How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?