AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
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haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Glasses
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
making sure he doesnt get away
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.