AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
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Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
“and how does that make you feel?”
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics
Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Waking up a teen for school:
1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!Teen: Why are you yelling?
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.