AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
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DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.