*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
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Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
