Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.

I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?

Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?

-me, as a therapist

My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.

cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.

me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.

my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?

Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period

Her: Was your child gifted?

Me: No, we had him naturally

I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo

White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.

“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced

Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.

13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?

me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.

Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.

Oh, you fell in love?!

I fell in my bathtub.

[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.

And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.

I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.

Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.

Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?

Me: Violently.

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: No further questions.

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before