*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
You Might Also Like
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.