Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money

I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”

[playing pictionary]

Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!

Him: Its a door knocker.

Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.

Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.

WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.

ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.

HER: I hate you.

nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping

Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men

*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”

[Going to Starbucks for the first time]

*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*

[a little later]

‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’

My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.

If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.

Gemma Correll

[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]

*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*

“I…am…a…vegan”

We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day

Shit dude that SUCKS

-me as a 911 operator

A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?

Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.

I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.

I miss getting my misinformation from less places

feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?

Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.

ME: we should do this agai-

DATE: im busy that day

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”

I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.

major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already

Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.

sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested

INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.

ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.

INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.

ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.