Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……

I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere

[fancy restaurant]

JESUS: what do you do for a living

DATE: I’m a pilot

JESUS: *narrows eyes*

My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.

Driving in Europe vs Canada

Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU

ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]

I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao

I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.

[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”

Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets

Me: Hold my goat

Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken

Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.

You found a baby spider in here?

-Yeah, but only one.

*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*

Just. One?

[Never. Sleeps. Again.]

I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.

‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?

4: *hands me a broken toy*

Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it

4: ok but be careful next time

Me:

[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons

Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?

Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?

Me: Two.

4-year-old: It was nine.

Teaching her to count was a mistake.

My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.

My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.

TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.

The Wolf of Wall Street.

I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.

And that’s how you win at parenting.

I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.