Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
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will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
my favorite gender
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?