Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
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(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
I think we should hear other voices.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.