Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
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this FaceApp is creepy af
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
The key to a successful marriage is never go to bed married
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
*pouring wine over ice cream*
No, I had a great day. Why do you ask?
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor