Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
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My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Can’t stop laughing
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Baking is just science you can eat.
Good morning
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
me: i made my first million by the age of 21
her: wow, a million dollars?!
me: no, mistakes
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam
distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*