Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
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Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds