Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
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Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
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[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
My neck, my back, my…
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Grandmother clock.
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Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Buying a well is money well spent.