Attacked by a mop.
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If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again
Me: what the hell…I already did this hour
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”