Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog

Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.

My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.

I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.

my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards

me: (in distant background) holy shit.

[on date]

“I think we should take this a step farther”

Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-

*date already left*

so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805

Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.

“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭

[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]

ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it

*elephant crushes car*

why did I name you Stompy

just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.

Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.

*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB

Don’t leave me alone.

Alone: I have a boyfriend.

“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake

I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.

Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir

Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?

Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir

genie: you have 3 wishes

cat: i want to go out

genie: ok

cat: and back in again

genie: done

cat: and back out again

genie: ffs

My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back

My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once

trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you

[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.

if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it

if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son

A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage

One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.

You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.

You probably get this a lot but…

*punches you in the face*

The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.

Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.