Attempted to exercise this morning.
Didn’t work out.
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Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
weddings should have a worst man
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours