Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.

WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*

Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator

Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.

trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.

Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.

At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.

*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*

“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.

[on a plane]

Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”

Me: “Sure, can I have two?”

*puts one in each ear*

Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.

Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol

[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*

boss: can i see u in my office

me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out

Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.

I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.

God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.

How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?

My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.

This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.

Please please please please please please please…

-me, flushing someone else’s toilet

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds

Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.

Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.

[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]

*you’re

Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.