Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
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doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
I told my vodka about you.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.