Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.

[FIRST DATE]

Her: I’m a vegan

Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”

I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.

*Hits Rock Bottom*

Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.

Canadian owl: Eh?

Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot

You know what comes after “leg day”?

Can’t walk up or down stairs day

If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.

A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?

Sharon I have some bad news

Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”

You know. Like a book.

Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?

Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.

I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.

I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.

My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.

Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants

My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬

They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.

[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]

the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus

Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.

[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.

Gravy boats are the opposite of boats

My son’s blood type is parmesan.

[airport security]

wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*

me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*

tsa agent:

tsa agent: why so many gameboys

My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.