[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
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Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
The first one, obviously
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Love thy neighbor’s dog