Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard

My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing

[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh

when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one

Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit

Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!

Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.

When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.

If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it

Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.

*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*

I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.

I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this

This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down

Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever

boss: u should’ve been here at 9

me: why what happened at 9

Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.

If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*

me: please, no! I have a baby!

torturer: how old?

me: three months

torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that

I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer

i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?

I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans

“Sookie!”

-70% of True Blood dialogue

Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves

Navy recruiter: Get out

everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David

This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.

Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.

If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”