[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
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Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter