Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walks into a nuclear power plant

Do you serve fission chips?

I’ll see myself out..

GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son

GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..

Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.

to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak

To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?

Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?

Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.

7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.

Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.

Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”

Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”

My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.

Travel bloggers during quarantine

Cop: This spot is for frog parking only

Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?

*gets toad*

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…

PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????

My Plans 2020

The booster protects against what, now?

What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it

😭😭😭

That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…

“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”

My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.

Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?

Me: What’s your name please?

Customer: Hal

Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?

Customer: Harold

Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah

Boss: Could you ever just don’t?

What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?

I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.

Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.

Let’s walk barefoot on grass!

-People who have never walked a dog

Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.

Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.

It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.

anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?