[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
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I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.