[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
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scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
sistine chapel
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
