*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
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Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts