Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.

Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you

I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor

Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?

Me: You sound like my wife.

Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool

Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

cop: you’re coming with me

me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you

cop: get in the car

me: will you take me to disneyland

cop: what do you think

me: maybe

A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.

I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.

Cop: License and registration

Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.

“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week

robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot

me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble

robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich

me: what do you think is in my wallet

Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.

Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me

A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.

Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.

[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*

My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.

[bedtime]

SON: I want a monster story.

ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”

[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine

date: I’m an expert in volcanology

me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?

Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost

A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”

Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.