Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.

If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”

According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.

soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird

Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.

If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son

jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run

Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”

Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.

I wish I were a British fighter pilot.

Those dudes are Royal AF.

WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today

ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school

I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.

Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?

If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”

You can avoid every meeting.

You’re welcome.

i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport

Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom

Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*

How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow

I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.

Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.

I wish I was a better person

genie: kind of a low bar but ok

Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.

can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed

I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.

Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.

I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*

When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”

Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.

Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.

Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?

Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.

Husband: What?

Me: What?