*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
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ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
all that yoga finally paid off
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?