Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.

Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.

Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.

Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!

I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator

Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax

Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark

There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:

fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car

podiatrist: let’s take a look

date: do you like a little danger?

me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me

In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.

Very suspicious that this keeps happening

Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer

Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.

imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name

My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks

What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.

[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”

School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –

It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.

I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster

There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.

My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”

The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food

Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.

you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am

THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.

Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.