*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
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My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
My friends can barely make rent, but everybody on home buying TV shows is like, “My husband is a professional thumb wrestler and I’m a rubber duck designer. Our budget is fourteen quadrillion dollars.”
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
Banderslack Clamberdorch
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?