Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?

KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!

ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it

Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.

Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos

Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time

[The inventor of biscotti]

This coffee would be so much better with a crouton

what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy

when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast

My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.

Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

[first date]

him: I’m a cat person.

me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand

Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”

Barista: …

Barista: …

Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”

Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”

Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”

Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.

*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.

The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band

Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.

If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.

I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go

forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this

All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.

To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.

When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.

Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.

My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies

Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol

[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.

[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it