[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
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Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Hmmmmm
