Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”

Rather alarming headline…

Me: *stressed

My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?

Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.

You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real

Them: You look tired.

Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.

They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.

I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name

a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.

I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes

I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…

Unless, of course, I want to buy something.

90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.

GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:

I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.

A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”

Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.

Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar

Me: *googles my symptoms*

WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days

Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer

All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.

How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8

In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.

Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?

Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby

DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl

You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.

Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.

Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?

Biden: 😉

*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*

My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.