Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.

‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’

My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison

ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no

every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“

“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.

I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.

cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law

me: incompetent lawyer

cop: wha-

me: tainted evidence

cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that

[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?

My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.

Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?

Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks

Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?

[9 PM, Sunday night]

Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.

son: can I ask you a random question?

me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?

Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.

“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*

4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:

12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow

Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.

Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-

Son: Dad please don’t…

Dad: Lawn gone.

TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.

Tough love is true love

If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit

brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died

Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?

I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.

I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.

Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.

Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”

Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.