Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.

Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out

If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.

ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks

Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?

Dj: Yes.

M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.

nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon

5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!

Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed

5: I neeeeeeed one!

Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]

5: not there! On my arm!

[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]

Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.

Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.

Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…

It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.

The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.

Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?

I started out with nothing and still have most of it!

Fact.

Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks

When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”

Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.

Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.

Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron

Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.

me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]

Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.

[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah

“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.

“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”

– Guy about to get stabbed bad

If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.

Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?

Me ~ Kerosene…

Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.

[10 mins later]

Also me: I guess this is later enough.

Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?

no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I