Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
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Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
im 7 sauces long
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.