Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
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Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
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I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything