Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
You Might Also Like
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
your honor my client chooses dare
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”